still here

i'm sorry. looking back, i can see where i got things wrong, and i want to say it plainly: everything i did, i did out of love and care. that doesn't undo the parts i got wrong, but i want it on the record that that's where all of it came from.

i'm not trying to fix anything. "fix" means something's broken, and i've never thought of us that way. i'm not keeping score. you don't owe me anything, and you never did. there's nothing adversarial in me about any of this, there never was. we were never opponents. i've always seen us as a team. if someone's hurt, that's a thing to solve together, not a thing to blame anyone for.

nothing has changed for me. if anything, and i genuinely didn't think this was possible, i'm more attached than before. i'm not waiting around, i'm living, i'm full of things. but the door has been open since day one, and it doesn't close. i told you that at the start. it was true then and it's true now.

i miss you every single day. not solitude, lonely without you. i know the difference firsthand now.

i just want my person back in my life. not to resolve everything first, just to continue. the rest we can figure out later, together, no rush. i honestly don't mind the time passing.

i want to keep building the dream app. i got completely hooked on dream stuff, i want to tell you my dreams and i want to hear yours, the literal ones. i want to know how the last six months actually went. how the big decisions turned out. how the winter was. whether you've had new insights.

i want to know how you're sleeping. what about the nightmares? whether you're still up at odd hours. i am.

i've been reading, jung, depth psychology, buddhism, and i have so many questions and a few things i think i've figured out, and there's no one i'd rather talk them through with than you.

i want to know how the phd is going. what happened to the project we talked about, i want to talk about those again like that one conversation about the figures.

i want to know how your witchery is going. whether you've made any new skincare things. whether you're still thinking about selling them.

i haven't played anything since january. the terraria server is still up. the house, the items, all of it, exactly where we left it. i want to co-op again.

i'd do the pub quiz again in a heartbeat. even the five hours on the phone trying to help you while you ended up doing your own thing anyway. yes, you told me that day you're very stubborn. that was one of my favorite days, and i don't think i ever told you that.

and the strange one. the person i'm closest to in istanbul, his partner is a somatic therapist with a full practice. family constellation work, active meditation, breathwork, trauma held and worked through the body. i still can't get over the odds of it. i want to know how your work is going, the ancestral-trauma part, the decolonizing-the-body stuff, the breathwork.

i want to know how the pills are going. whether they helped.

if you haven't seen paprika, watch it when the 4k comes out later this year. dream work, psychiatry, therapy, it's so completely yours. i want to hear what you make of it.

i want to talk about indonesian food. i still want you to make bubur ayam. i want to go to indonesia this summer and i don't have anyone to go with, and i keep thinking how it should have been us, exploring, learning, eating, diving, surfing.

kuzu misses modeling. he got huge, almost 40 kilos now. you wouldn't recognize him.

and the fight with the university is still going. it's going well, actually. i never got to tell you the whole of it, and i want to.

this is maybe one percent of it.

i don't know if you're reading this. i don't know if anyone is. i've made my peace with not knowing, you can be here without saying so, for as long as you need, and that's completely okay. i'm just saying it into the room, because it's true, and because it's yours if you want it.

still here. always.

ps, if you ever forget your pin again, it's still saved in our old whatsapp thread. just so you know.